'Mad Men' Season 6 Finale Recap - 'In Care Of'

(AMC)

This is it, you guys! The season six finale! Anything could happen! Even though the AMC description just says "Don has difficulties," which really narrows things down. Will Megan finally find out about Don's affair with Sylvia? Will Pete's sideburns merge into one supersideburn? Let's watch everyone make terrible decisions.

Stan, the mother hen, corners Don as he walks into the office. He wants to go to L.A. to work on the Sunkist account, and to help set up a satellite office — a proposal he makes while wearing a windowpane print blue blazer and a paisley tie. "Los Angeles is not what you see in the movies," Don says. "It's like Detroit with palm trees."

Roger Sterling's daughter is in the office, and she's on a mission! A mission to open Roger's wallet. But...he's not feeling very generous. "I'm your daughter. What do I have to do to get on the list of girls you give money to?" she asks. Burn. Then she uninvites him to Thanksgiving dinner.

It's Ken Cosgrove! Eyepatch blazing, barging into Don's office, excited about the possibility of taking on Hershey's as a client. But now he's gone again! More Ken Cosgrove, all the time please. (He and Stan are currently tied for the role of my imaginary Mad Men boyfriend.)

Pete Campbell has just gotten back from Detroit, and he compains that the airport is "like Calcutta," in his Pete Campbell-y way. But never mind him, because Bob Benson is also back in town. Giving Joan toy cars for Kevin, as if he had never tried to derail Pete Cambell's career by making his senile mother believe her nurse was in love with her.

Ooh, it's time for Bob Benson's performance review! "What are you doing buying presents for that kid?" Roger asks Bob, about Kevin, a.k.a. his son. Bob is like, "What does this have to do with my performance?" And Roger is like, (I'm paraphrasing here) "Meh, nothing really. But stay away from Joan."

So, the folks from the Sheraton are in the lobby of Sterling, Cooper and Partners, but Don is nowhere to be found! Because he's in a bar. There's someone preaching about Jesus, and Don goes "Can you keep it down? I'm trying to drink."

Flashback time! "Mad Men really needs more whore house flashbacks," said no one, ever. Look, here is that kid who is supposed to be young Don Draper, even though we all know young Don Draper really looked like this:


A preacher type is being thrown out of Don's childhood home. "I'd tell you to go to hell but I never want to see you again," says the man doing the throwing out.

Now real-time Don (or, you know, 1968 Don) is in jail! For punching a minister.

Back at the office, Peggy sees Ted leave for a night out with his wife.

And Pete gets a telegram — his mother has disappeared from a cruise ship! Pete's mom and Manolo lost at sea sounds like a good plot for a sitcom, actually.

Ahh! Here is Don, back at his apartment, looking like the personification of the word "hangover." He tells Megan that he spent the night in jail, "I realized something else. I don't want to be here anymore," he tells her. He wants to move to L.A.! His plan is to work on the Sunkist account, and eventually build an agency out there. Megan is like, "What about the kids?" Something that Don hasn't thought about, clearly!

So, when Don tells his team the big idea, Ted is like, "I think we can spare you." It looks like it's done, then.

More developments in the disappearance of Pete's mom! She married Manolo before falling off a cruise ship. And Pete thinks Manolo kidnapped her, and married her at gunpoint. Pete confronts Bob about this in the elevator (where else?), but Bob denies everything of course. Oh Pete, if you only knew how terrible cruise ships would be in the future.

Helloooo, Peggy! She's traded in her bow-front blouses for butt-skimming low-cut dress and Chanel No. 5. And she makes sure to stop by the boardroom, where Ted is in the middle of a meeting, to announce that she's leaving early. Harry is like, "Vixen by night," as Ted loses the ablity to form words.

Pete and Bob are entertaining the Chevy execs, and just barely masking their hatred for each other. In the Chevy building, Bob, who knows that Pete can't drive, convinces him — in front of the Chevy folks! — to get into the show Camarro in the lobby. Everyone is like, "Go on, try it out!" So Pete fumbles around, and the car lurches a bit before he backs it into a sign. "We'll pay for that," Bob says.

Ted is hanging around outside Peggy's door like a creep. He wants to know how her date was. "Terrible. He works in finance." Girl, say no more.

Then Ted is like, "I don't want anyone else to have you," and Peggy tells him to go. But! He wants to leave his wife for her. So then they make out in front of Peggy's door — Peggy in her bra, Ted in his turtleneck.

Betty calls Don — Sally has been suspended from Miss Porter's for buying beer. With a fake I.D.! "She's from a broken home," Betty says, which makes Don feel a tiny bit guilty, it seems. Look at Don in is pajamas! With the buttons buttoned all the way up.

Everyone wants to go to California! Even Ted. "I'm the one who needs to start over," he tells Don. He is feeling majorly guilty about his affair with Peggy. "It's my only chance. I've got kids. I can't throw this away."

But Megan has already been written off of her show! And Don has his heart set on moving to L.A.

Onto the Hershey's meeting! "Hershey's is the currency of affection," Don tells the Hershey's execs, after making up a story about how his dad would buy him Hershey's bars at the corner store. "Well weren't you a lucky little boy!" a dude from the Hershey's team says. Don's hands are shaking uncontrollably from all the lies. Then! He feels compelled to tell everyone the truth. "I was an orphan. I grew up in Pennsylvania. In a whorehouse...I read about Milton Hershey and his school...I read that some orphans had a different life there. I pictured it. I dreamt of it. Being wanted. Because the woman who was forced to raise me looked at me every day like she hoped I would disappear. The closest I felt to being wanted was from a girl who would make me go through her john's pockets while they screwed. If I collected a dollar, she would buy me a Hershey bar. And I would eat it. Alone. In my room. With great ceremony." That's a commercial! Right there! Don is clutching his head at this point. No one knows where to look. "If it were up to me, you wouldn't advertise. You shouldn't have someone like me telling a boy what a Hershey bar is," Don says to Hershey. "He already knows." Roger looks like he wants to throttle Don right now.

Jim is like, 'It's just this kind of theater that makes our work so different!" Ha! Then Don, knowing that he just bombed, tells Ted to go to California in his place. Too bad that Megan just quit her job, though! Bet you didn't think about that, Don.

Pete and his brother want to know how much it would cost to investigate their mother's disappearance, "ballpark." When they hear the figure, they're like, "Wellll....we don't care that much." Pete's brother is all "She's in the water, with father." And Pete goes, "She loved the sea." Great sons, right here!

Uh oh. Ted is telling Peggy about his California plans. "You can have your life, and your career, and this can be the past," he says. Which is "It will shock you how much this never happened," 2.0.

So, now Don is breaking the news to Megan that they're not moving to L.A. "You want to be alone with your liquor and your ex-wife and your screwed-up kids," she says. Now she has no job! Just like Don always wanted.

After the Hershey's meeting, all the partners want Don to take a few months off, to "regroup." They won't give him a return date, though. 

Joan, after hearing that Roger is unwelcome at his family's Thanksgiving dinner, invites him over to her place. And, oh look! Bob is there, too! "I'm inviting you into Kevin's life, not mine," she explains.

And...we end with Don driving his three kids to his childhood home. "This is a bad neighborhood," Bobby says, before Don makes everyone get out of the car, and stare at the dilapidated whorehouse. "This is where I grew up," he says, as Sally gives him major side-eye.

So! Did season six go out with a bang? A fizzle? See you in 2014?
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