In Which We Analyze Every Look on 'Laguna Beach' Season 1, Episode 3 - 'Fast Cars and Fast Women'
On last week's episode of Laguna Beach, Kristin and Stephen decided they were DUNZO. (Side note: Did you learn the word "dunzo" from Laguna Beach, too? And did you ever use it in real life? Did anyone laugh at you when you did? Or did they politely look down and pretend you didn't say it, stirring their drinks in secondhand embarrassment?) And, as the title of episode three, "Fast Cars and Fast Women," hints, Steph-ennn is about to meet a new ladyfriend. But not before we discuss everyone's outfits in painstaking detail. Let's start with...
Kristin's pantyhose choker!
She has been wearing this thing since the first episode. That, friends, is commitment. Although, now that we have a close-up of it, I'm not even sure if it is a pantyhose choker. So I'm going to hand this one over to our resident Pantyhose Choker Expert, Lindsay Schallon.
"It COULD be a shoelace choker. Those were big too! The double-loop around makes me think so. But the clingy properties could also be pantyhose," Lindsay says. Confusing!
Anyway, Kristin is bummed because her car keeps breaking down. But more on that later.
Let's check in with L.C. and Lo, who are grabbing lunch with their friend Jen.
There is a lot of sandblasted denim and white leather happening here. You don't see white purses as an option anymore, really. I think Lo's is one of Marc Jacobs's early 2000's multipocket bags — he still makes them! While Jen and L.C. are in the Laguna uniform of tank tops and low-riding bottoms, Lo has gone rogue and chosen...
A Spiderman tee! Back in 2003, companies like Junk Food and Joomi Joolz would stamp slightly retro cartoon characters and old school cereal and soda logos on cotton t-shirts and sell them for, like, $98. Sometimes rhinestones were involved.
The main topic of conversation at lunch is Kristin and Stephen's dunzo-ness, of course. And what L.C. is going to do about said dunzo-ness.
Jen, who is wearing that teenage mean girl staple, a silver Tiffany's bracelet, drops this advice bomb on L.C.: "You and Stephen would have pretty babies. Your babies would be, like, the popular people at school."
Speaking of Stephen, he's gone to see Trey, who emerges from his home in yet another glorious handmade trucker hat.
This is how I imagine Trey's closet, but with trucker hats instead of shirts.
"We're gonna go to this fashion show thing. Fashion show. Models. After party. Runway," Trey tells Stephen, sounding like a character from Entourage, even though this was filmed a year before Entourage even existed.
Stephen looks very 80's teen movie heartthrob during this exchange, by the way, in his pastel polo and sunglasses.
There's a brief interlude where Kristin, Kristin's new crush Sam, and Sam's hair go to test drive some cars.
Will you look at all that product? Sam has nearly reached Ryan Cabrera (Ooh, more early 2000's references!) levels of spikiness.
But back to Trey, Stephen, and L.C.! They're driving through L.A., en route to the mysterious fashion show. "These stores are so weird, they're just, like...open," L.C. says, which makes me wonder what kind of boarded up stores they have in Laguna Beach.
The trio checks into a hotel, where Trey changes into his formal trucker hat.
"The thing that's cool about fashion, it's straight-up wearable art, you know?" he says. Straight-up, bro. Soon the conversation turns to makeup, and L.C. reveals that she wears lots of dark eyeliner when she's in a bad mood. Is Lauren Conrad a secret goth? Please let this be true.
Stephen emerges from the bathroom wearing a doozy of an embroidered shirt.
And...L.C. won't stand up so we can get a good look at her outfit. So back to Kristin! Her car has finally broken down, and her friend Alex gamely steps out to push it to safety. Wearing the flimsiest mini skirt imaginable. And rubber flip flops.
Best friend ever, right?
Okay, so here's why I'm Team Kristin. Girl winds down from her rough day with a milkshake. And a hoodie.
Remember when people went out for milkshakes instead of green juice?
Onto the fashion show. Surprise — it's a Rebecca Minkoff fashion show! This was years before she even started designing handbags. Finally, we have a look at L.C.'s outfit.
Which is fine, but sort of snoozy for her big night out, right? She's doing that double-layered tank top thing again. I bet they're C&C California.
BEHOLD: Vintage (kind of) Rebecca Minkoff!
"Is that unattractively skinny?" L.C. asks Stephen, referring to this model.
"That's hot," Stephen says. Oof. Not the answer L.C. was looking for, as evidenced by this face:
And — what's this? — it appears that Trey experienced a moment of accessory doubt sometime between leaving the hotel and arriving at the fashion show, because that is not the same trucker hat we last saw him in.
Then, Stephen spots her, the "Fast Woman" in the episode's "Fast Cars and Fast Women" title, his side-boob angel in a pink pantsuit.
"That's not too skinny at all. She has such a hot face," he says, as L.C. seethes. This guy.
Later, pink pantsuit finds Stephen at the Rebecca Minkoff after party, tells him he's "super gorgeous," and corners him, wearing two of the most 2003 items ever.
A Juicy Couture hoodie and a Louis Vuitton logo bag! Be still my heart.
The next evening, Steph-ennnn takes Kristin on a date. So, perhaps they are not dunzo after all? Note the outfit disparity here.
Kristin clearly put some thought into her ensemble — she's wearing heels and she flat-ironed her hair — while Stephen was like, "Meh, untucked shirt and backwards baseball cap it is." Then! He proceeds to regale Kristin with tales of the Rebecca Minkoff show. "All the models were so hot. It was gnarly." Dude. No. Team Sam! Team Sam forever and ever!
And Trey's trucker hats forever and ever. Amen.
Trey's Season 1 Trucker Hat Count: 5