Holy third episode Batman! This latest installment of The Bachelor really had it all. For starters, there were engineering lessons courtesy of Emily— the one Ben thinks is smarter than he is. “A bridge takes two things that are separate and brings them together,” she explained using her superbrain.
There were snide assessments by The Model. These included but were in no way limited to: “Blakely is the kind of girl that your boyfriend cheats on you with”; “I’m sure the date with Emily will be … boring” and “Nikki, bless her heart—she’s sweet. But like, You Look Like An Idiot!”
Thanks to the apocalyptic surprise arrival of Shawntel the Funeral Director (well, given her copious amount of reality TV time, that’s got to be a part-time gig right?), there were myriad death puns: Vicki bested them all with “Shawntel rides in on her high hearse.”
And, as ever, there were soundbytes for miles, including the Bachelor himself with his parting words to Britney: “Say hi to your grandma.”
No Grams, they were not to be. And to top it off, this week’s rose ceremony was a veritable Mayan Calendar of woe that claimed a staggering three casualties. On the bright side, the fashion’s never been better, save for a Vanna White–style misstep by the fainting Erica, whose turquoise, gold-chained monstrosity wouldn’t have looked out of place on Wheel of Fortune
. Sadly for her, Ben was fresh out of vowels and roses—apparently he is the type to kick a girl while she’s down.
Onto the sartorial highlights, and oh there were many. Say what you will about Courtney (like, that her competition is right and she has a bonafide personality disorder)— the girl knows how to dress. So dazzled by her 1920s-style black and white sequin ombre frock were we, that we almost didn’t clock it when she shapeshifted into a 90s-era tween and referred to Shawntel as “what’s-her-butt” while pretending she might not accept Ben’s rose. A model-turned-actress performance, we might add, that was about as convincing as Cindy Crawford’s in Fair Game
Rachel the fashion sales rep brought her A-Game too, winning our Best Accessorized award for her twisted, multistrand violet necklace, which paired dazzlingly with a sweetheart-necklined strapless black cocktail dress.
Even Casey S., who, if we’re honest, we’re not really sure we’ve even seen before (Did she slip in the door behind Shawntel?) stood out in a hot pink mini with structured shoulders—hands-down the most fashion forward of them all.
And what of the bikini-clad skiing in San Francisco, you ask? To adequately express our feelings on that subject, we’ll borrow a quote from the recently departed Jaclyn, who should have earned a rose on the basis of this pearl: “On a scale of one to ten, I felt like I was going to throw up.” (all images via ABC.com)