Primetime Fashion: Bachelor Recap Episode Five
Fresh off a recent viewing of Moneyball, we at StyleBistro could barely contain our excitement
when it became apparent that this week’s episode of the Bachelor was baseball-themed. But where the Brad Pitt vehicle regales the merits of prizing stats over gut feel and folklore, Ben’s group date made a case for good old fashioned hot pants, prompting the usually PG-rated Kasey B to cry out “Bitches!” in exasperation, positing Blakely in the role of unforgiving coach (“I busted my ass out there because I thought you guys wanted it just as bad!”) and resulting in the flame-haired beauty Jennifer taking on the role of rookie who let the big game slip through her fingers... and then gets cut. “I guess I just wonder what I did wrong,” she tearfully wondered aloud as her limo drove away at the episode’s end. Oh honey, you struck out. And nice as Ben may be, he doesn’t suffer losers.
This may or may not be why Courtney keeps insisting, “I think I’m winning.” Regardless, it seems like as good a time as any for a quick break to review The Model’s soundbytes in a new sub-feature we’re calling #ShitCourtneySays. Here, a few highlights:
“Who knew strippers could play baseball?” (in reference to VIP Cocktail Waitress Blakely).
“I hope I’m a sight for sore eyes, because after his date with Elyse his eyes are probably pretty sore.”
“It did cross my mind: I may not be seeing [Elyse] later. I hope I got her number—I could use a personal trainer.”
“I don’t know if he’s ever skinny-dipped with a model before.”
And, we’re back. The fifth episode also had the distinction of being the most fashion-challenged installment yet—from Ben’s cringeworthy self-proclaimed “Latin Swagger” ensemble (a white linen horror show modeled on his one-on-one date with Nicki) to Jaime’s Miss America-worthy rose ceremony gown, a pink sequined concoction the likes of which we haven’t seen since the Saved By the Bell prom.
And there was more where that came from: Besides the fact that Elyse nailed every man
repelling trick in the book (reminding Ben that not only did she quit her job and bail on her best friend’s wedding to stalk him on TV, but also promptly suggesting they get married on the spot), she also opted to wear a low-rent one-shouldered mini in a shade to match her perma-tan. And paired it with orange fingernails, lest you doubt her commitment to taking things in a tangerine direction. Ben could hardly be blamed for suggesting, “I have an idea—I think we should jump off the side of this massive boat … it’s a long way to the bottom.”
Meanwhile, at the post-game beach party, Kasey B. won the evening’s rose, but had the unfortunate distinction of being worst dressed, clad in a peach and white knit 80s-style sweater dress resembling a fisherman’s net, thrown over a ribbed white tank and topped off with a starfish ring. It was Pretty in Pink meets Little Mermaid. And not in a good way.
Needless to say there was not a lot of competition for Best Dressed. In the end it was repeated sartorial high-scorer Casey S. who emerged the frontrunner for her rose ceremony look, wearing a chic peach minidress with a pleated and structured bodice, accessorized with a gold chain belt and a beach wave ’do.
Best Undressed obviously went to skinny-dipping pusher Courtney for her bathrobe and
“innocent” white lacy underpinnings costume, accessorized with a bottle of massage lotion and red wine. The vibe was very Demi Moore in Disclosure and about as subtle as an anvil to the face.
Still, we can tolerate almost anything so long as we don't have to listen to David Gray’s “This Year’s Love” again. Really Bachelor producers? Every episode? The man has surely purchased a house made of denim on the royalties alone at this point.